Ways to Let Go
As humans, we all hold the incredible capability to feel. We can feel every moment, with its hints of happiness, undertones of sadness, sprinkles of joy, and fluctuations of pain. And sometimes feeling is the most whimsical thing, sending on us on a high, making memories and learning lessons that stay in the forefront of our minds & sometimes our hearts. Other times, it can feel like we are drowning in the waters of emotion with little room to come up for air.
That is the one thing that connects us all: our ability, as well as our need to feel. Our mind and our body keeps score of how certain experiences and connections make us feel, and drives us towards what we feel is best for our lives. It feeds off of those positive emotions, and in some scenarios, is what leads us to crave more. But, just as feelings of happiness, contentment, and peace stay stored in our mind and body, so does the inevitable experience of pain. Our mind and our body can hold onto pain for a plethora of reasons. Maybe it is to ensure that an important lesson is learned. Or maybe it is because we have yet to feel the pain in its entirety, flowing freely through us until it is released. But, what my experience with pain has taught me is our body holds onto pain for a reason our conscious brain may not even be aware of. Upon my own reflection, as well as hearing similar experiences from those close to me, I have found that often the real reason we hold onto the pain of the past is because it is the last thing tying us to the one thing we hope in all our being we don’t have to let go of. And sometimes that realization may even be more painful than the pain we are experiencing itself.
But, one thing to realize is that holding onto the pain of the past can be just as much of a conscious decision as letting go and moving forward can be. Often pain is accompanied by grief, because on some level, something is lost. Most of the time, that is the potential of what we could experience or have if we just keep holding on, instead of letting go. Our mind is overrun with the emotions we feel towards somebody or an experience, intertwined with the memories that we wish could stay alive forever, leaving us with “should’ve” , “would’ve”, & “could’ve” thoughts. The heart wrenching thoughts of what we believe should have been leave us immobilized in the pain of what we are feeling, and the people, memories, and experiences we have lost.
So how do you let go of past hurts, of heartache, of people you never thought you’d have to let go of? Pain can be all consuming, and the road map to letting go can feel like the most unstable of terrain. In a recent study I read, Paul Grossman & Ludger Niemann’s findings discussed how when emotional pain prevents someone from healing from an experience or moving forward from someone who was once in their life, it is a sign that we aren’t moving forward in a growth-oriented way. One of the best ways to overcome the lull that painful emotions can keep us in is by truly learning the lessons from the hurt and channeling it in a productive way, focused on growth and adding a positive momentum in our lives.
Feeling is such an important part of life and who we are as humans. But, it shouldn’t keep us in the past. Sometimes the only thing we can do to keep moving towards the things and people we are supposed to find in life is to accept what and who we should no longer be holding onto. And then we just… let go. That is how everything changes. What I have learned is that letting go does not mean we are discarding the experience, person, or memories we wish we could hold onto forever. Rather, letting it go is to just to let it be. To now let things freely come and go and exist as they are. As my mother always told me growing up, you can’t move towards your true future with one foot cemented in the past. It is one of the hardest things for us humans to do, to truly let go and move forward. But, it is the only way forward. Below are some helpful ways to begin your journey towards letting go of whatever or whomever you need to set free.
create a positive mantra
Our self-talk is one of the most influential of things when it comes to healing and moving forward. Depending on how we talk to ourself, we can either move forward, or stay stuck in the pain of the past. Take note of how you talk to yourself in times of need, and create a mantra that you can tell yourself in times of emotional distress that can help reframe your thought pattern. For instance, instead of “I can’t believe this happened to me”, try “This is redirection; I am thankful to be redirected to a new path in life that may be better for me.”
Focus on Your Present Self
Putting yourself and needs first, especially in times of emotional pain is very important. When you think about the experience or person that is associated with the emotional distress you feel, remember you have the power to bring yourself and mind back to your present self. In that power, find gratitude and reflect on yourself and your journey so far.
Practice Mindfulness
Engaging in a mindfulness practice will help bring our attention to the present moment, which will help lessen the impact we feel our past has on us. When we regularly practice meditation, the control our pain has on us will lesson, granting us more freedom in choosing how we respond to the positive and negative stressors in our lives. Some helpful mindfulness practices could look like breathing meditations, walking meditations, yoga, or maybe simply finding stillness.
Allow Negative Emotions to Flow Freely
It is in human nature to want to bury and push away the painful feelings that find us from time to time. As I mentioned before, our mind and body keep score, and so our mind remembers how uncomfortable those emotions were to feel, and tries to protect us by pushing them far away. But, as I also mentioned, feeling is so important to us as humans. Rather than shutting out those emotions, feeling them is pivotal in being able to let them go. Try and imagine those painful emotions as waves, and try to let them flow in, through, and out of you freely, despite how painful and uncomfortable it may feel.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Self-compassion is a key component in being able to let go. Letting go can be one the most difficult things for us humans, especially when our feelings are involved, so please try to leave self-criticism at the door. Instead, show yourself compassion and kindness. Something I like to visualize here is as if everything I were experiencing was something a friend in need was experiencing. If that friend came to me for guidance, would I say the same things to them I am saying to myself? Often, the things I would say to myself were starkly different than the advice I would have offered my friend. Please try and be kind to yourself.
Give Yourself Permission to Talk About It & Forgive
When we endure painful situations, we feel a plethora of emotions, including shame and embarrassment, wishing to not become a burden to others. Yet, all the emotions we experience with pain are valid and real, and we all need support. Discussing your emotions or experiences with someone close to you can be really helpful in beginning to heal and let go. On that same note, it is also helpful to forgive, even if you still lack the closure that you believe you need. Forgiveness allows us to forego anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other emotional that keeps us glued in our past.
Surround Yourself With People Who Fill You Up
Human beings are incredibly social in nature and thrive together rather than in isolation. We can’t, nor are expected, to endure the tidal waves of life alone, including all of our emotional pain. Surrounding ourselves with and letting in the support of those close to us help limit the feelings of isolation that accompany pain, while also reminding us of the good that has remained a constant in our lives.
Practice Self-Care
Pain and hurt can be all consuming. Engaging in acts of self-care can be really helpful in allowing us to find the parts of ourselves again that haven’t been swallowed up by the pain. While this could be talking a warm bath, lighting a candle, or taking a yoga class, it can also mean setting new boundaries, being selective with your inner circle, or better listening to your own needs before others. The more we engage in activities that bring us joy and comfort, especially in times of hurt, the more that we feel empowered, lessening the overwhelming nature of pain.
