The Pace of Vulnerability
There is a tenderness threaded through our conversations now. It shows up in the pauses after a first date, in therapy rooms, in group circles, in the unsent drafts of messages we almost choose to share. There is an ache of something missing, something unnamed, but felt nonetheless. It’s as if we are speaking more, revealing more about ourselves, yet somehow touching less of what is real. It is a frustration I hear from those closest to me and from distant acquaintances, “I am not vulnerable enough, they said” or “I feel as if I keep meeting people who are not vulnerable enough.” But underneath both experiences is the same underlying concern… we have started to treat vulnerability as volume. In other words, we mistakenly feel that the more we share about ourselves, the more vulnerable we become.
In reality, vulnerability is about calibration. When we share truthfully, we take into account relationships, timing, power, and concentration. It is created entirely of our honesty and discernment; if we were to remove our honesty, we retreat into shame and without discernment, we slip into a performance. Together, it creates a balance of healthy self-disclosure.
What is Healthy Self-Disclosure?
Being vulnerable is rooted in sharing something true, something that is personally meaningful and a little uncertain, in a kind of way that fits the relationship, the context, and our intention. This is a gentle process, and one that takes time in a relationship that is evolving at a healthy pace. Yet, in our current climate of urgency culture, people often attempt to manufacture closeness when they overshare or demand disclosure from others, even if they may not be ready to share themselves. While this creates contact, it does not necessarily foster connection. Rather, connection is grounded in consent, pacing, and reciprocity.
The misconception lies in the belief that self-disclosure on its own is vulnerability, but that simply holds little truth. If we were to draw from Jourard’s Self-Disclosure Theory, when we share about ourselves, it only works to make connections stronger when it is mutual, relevant to the relationship, and met with empathetic responses. However, when we share too much too soon, these circumstances are hardly present. Instead, we often face discomfort, withdrawal, or a kind of ‘vulnerability hangover.’
The Right to An Interior Life
An “interior life” is our own private inner world. It is home to our thoughts, feelings, memories, values, body cues, and meaning-making. It is held and organized by ourselves, and it is something that is not automatically shared with others. It is the place where we can safely reflect, decide, and metabolize an experience before, and maybe even instead of, putting it into words.
We are entitled to an interior life, and that does not equate to secrecy or inauthenticity. It is important to note that secrecy, privacy, and authenticity are not all the same thing. We live in a digital age where we feel a constant pressure to ‘perform’ for the imaginary audiences on the stage of social media, and it has blurred the line between the three.
Secrecy is something we can view as a social tool; it structures power and it can influence belonging. For instance, a phrase to embody secrecy would say, “Access to “x” would change the social arrangement, and so I choose to withhold it.” Privacy, however, is the right we have to this interior life that is not for public consumption. If we were to look at it through a developmental lens, privacy protects the integrity of the self. Through a clinical lens, those who confuse privacy with deceit often carry histories where boundaries had been previously violated or where maybe love felt contingent on full transparency. Authenticity is congruence, it is when our inner experience and our outward communication are in line with one another. But this is not without limits, as we must consider if our authenticity holds compassion, or if it is driven by our ego with few boundaries.
We can choose to keep certain parts of our life private and still show up fully authentic. Authenticity is coherence between what we feel, what we value, and what we choose to say in a given moment, rather than it being perceived as total access. Privacy can set the scope of a conversation and protects your interior life, allowing you to speak clearly, rather than compulsively. When we choose to decline sharing certain details about ourselves, we aren’t hiding. Simply, we are deciding what belongs in this relationship, at this time and with this person. It is a decision that can be honest, steady, and aligned with who we are.
It is also helpful to remember that ‘forced vulnerability’ is not authenticity either. Vulnerability should not be seen as a performance to put on for others in order for them to see you through a certain lens or to elicit a certain response. A question to guide this is to ask ourselves, “Am I sharing this to be known, or to be noticed?''
How to Practice Healthy Vulnerability?
There are four pillars to vulnerability that are helpful to keep in mind… Intention, Consent, Time Limits, & Requests. In practice, this may look like “I want to share something personal. Are you in the headspace to listen for ten minutes or so? I am not seeking advice, only presence.”
It can be difficult to navigate who to share our vulnerable thoughts with and who has earned that level of trust. The thing is, trust is not a feeling, rather it is a pattern. When we decide to share something, it is important to consider if the person we are choosing to trust can respond without defense, keep confidences, repair when they miss the mark, and tolerate the complexity of what we say without centering themselves. If the other person can remember details without weaponizing them and can sit with our discomfort without moving to ‘fix’ us or one-up, it usually signals that trust is present. If the other person is relating to us as a full subject, rather than just a character for their story, we will feel expanded instead of managed; this is when we may feel someone has earned the right to our vulnerability.
When we consider why we are sharing, it is important to both know our intention and to state our intention. When we know what our intention is, it helps us organize our thoughts before we speak. It lowers internal ambiguity, which steadies our nervous system. If our goal is clear, we can choose the right depth, the right moment, and the right person with whom to share. Without this aspect, people may tend to over-share in search of relief and in turn feel exposed. When we state our intention, we tell the other person what to do with our story, as well as telling our body what to expect. If we were to look at this through an attachment lens, this clarifies the bid for connection, maybe stating “I want comfort” or “I want accountability.”
In terms of when we share, timing is a kindness. We should share our story when it is clear enough that a curious question in response will not unravel us. If a follow-up question sends us back into a state of overwhelm, we may not be ready to share. It may be helpful to aim for our window of tolerance when choosing when to share. This means we speak inside the zone where we can stay present, track the other person, and adjust mid-conversation if need be. This way, if we were to notice tunnel vision or an urge to convince, we can pause the conversation or choose to switch topics. I’d also suggest we keep the ‘flooding rule’ in mind: when either person is physiologically flooded, we should take a twenty-minute break, at the minimum. During this time, we can do an activity that calms us, breaking patterns of rumination, so both partners can resume. Lastly, we should keep in mind that we should choose to share in moments with privacy, time, and minimal interruptions. It may not be the best idea to start a tender topic at the door, on the way out, or when one person may be depleted.
What Happens When We Overshare?
When we overshare, it can often lead to a ‘vulnerability hangover’, a cortisol-spiked mix of regret, exposure, and self-criticism. If we feel the other person’s response is hurried or poorly timed, we may feel foolishness or unworthiness. When we disclose beyond our window of tolerance, our nervous system spikes. We may notice our heart rate and muscle tension rise, our breath shortens, and our attention may narrow. When we are in that physiological state, curiosity begins to collapse and instead, we begin scanning the other person for reassurance. When we don’t experience that desired reassurance in the exact way we imagine, the spike only intensifies. In turn, the body pairs disclosure with danger, making future honesty more difficult down the road.
Looking through a psychological lens, when we overshare, we outsource self-soothing to the responses of others, which in turn may erode self-respect if those responses are graceless. We may also flatten ourselves into a single story, which invites the narrative that us therapists refer to as ‘problem-saturated identity’. Oversharing also holds an impact over relationships, as it changes roles without consent. The listener may become a container that they did not agree to be, bringing them to a place of fixing, distancing, or subtle resentment. In turn, this may shift the trust between two people, where we may come away feeling abandoned while the other person may come away feeling used.
Practical Guidance in Dating & Vulnerability
Vulnerability is not one-size-fits-all for all relationships and there are limits and guidelines for different situations. Some helpful guidance in dating and relationships includes:
Try to share your values early, while you share your biography gradually.
Approach sharing by offering one step deeper at a time, and then pause. Take this moment to notice if your date reflects, asks consent questions, and holds nuance.
Try to replace tests with requests. This may look like, “When I share something tender, could you reflect back what you heard, and then ask one question?” If defensiveness or judgment appear, it may be a good idea to slow down or maybe step out altogether.
Practical Guidance with Parents & Vulnerability
While it may not be applicable for us all, there can be a grief in wanting a certain parent-child intimacy and choosing practicality instead. The best way for us to heal in this circumstance is to let ourselves mourn the relationship we hoped for, while also building the one that is possible now. It is okay to give the sadness a place to go and give the bond a way to keep going. If we recreate small, but reliable contact, it won’t require high stakes honesty. It may be a good idea to share safe topics, notice moments of warmth, and be sure to let those count. Some helpful guidance with parent-child relationships includes:
It may be a good idea to begin with honoring, and then differentiating. This may look like, “I understand you want my life to be secure, and I want to share more of what I feel so we can be closer.”
Try to keep it small and focused in the present. This may look like, “What helps me now currently is…”
It may be helpful to try to use short time boxes, say ten minutes each, and then pause.
Practical Guidance with Friendships & Vulnerability
Our friendships is where most of our adult intimacy lives. Unlike familial or romantic relationships, it rarely comes with scripts. In other words, vulnerability in friendships needs more naming, more pacing and more repair. It may be helpful to consider the vulnerability of joy in the context of vulnerability in friendships. Often, friendships practice pain fluently, yet grow quiet around good news. It can feel risky if we were to admit that things may be working in our favor, especially if a friend is in a hard season of their life. However, we should share our good news regardless, gently and with context, and invite their good news in return. The ability to bear each other’s pleasure without shrinking is as intimate as if we were to bear each other’s grief.
Some friendships can deepen through long walks, others through voice notes, and sometimes it is through simply doing ordinary tasks together. It is helpful if we choose a cadence that feels manageable to each person, because if every conversation becomes considered a big deal, it lies within human nature for us to begin avoiding those conversations. Rather, if we can fold small truths into ordinary life things, the friendship can carry more of us, allowing us to carry more of it, without breaking either person involved. Some like to refer to this phenomenon as the ‘everyday friendship’.
The Vulnerability Checklist
It can be difficult to navigate when it is safe and best for us to be vulnerable with somebody else. It is a process, and showing up vulnerable can look different in each relationship. Below is a curated checklist to help guide you in the moments you may be considering showing vulnerability in a relationship:
Intention: Have in your mind what you want before you speak it out loud. This may look like comfort, perspective, or help with making a decision.
Consent & Capacity: It is helpful to ask if the other person can hold your share at that moment. If the other person responds with a ‘no’, reframe it as care, as they are choosing to listen at a time they can provide you with their full attention and support.
Relevance: Try to share what serves this relationship in that moment, skipping details that may belong elsewhere.
Right-Sized Dose: Begin with saying the smallest true thing that continues to move you one step deeper, without flooding you. If you feel tunnel vision or speed, pause or reconsider sharing at a later date.
Mutuality: It is helpful to invite reciprocity and keep in mind proportion over time from the other person.
Containment & Time Box: It may be helpful to set a scope and an end point, ending with a quick summary. Then, invite the other person to reflect back with you on what was shared.
Aftercare & Repair: It is helpful to plan how you may steady yourself and how you may reset, if needed. This is a great moment for self-care, where you can ground yourself, stay rooted in your breath, and invite in some movement. Keep in mind that it is okay to route tender details to safer containers if this one felt strained for you.
