Ways to Protect Your Peace in a Relationship
As we grow older, we begin to navigate new kinds of relationships. And with that, we begin to explore the our own romantic relationships, learning what being supported by a partner means to us as we evolve, noting what behaviors help us to be our best selves in the presence of a significant other, and evaluating the benefits and the drawbacks of the relationship. Creating and establishing healthy boundaries is such an important way to teach others what we are comfortable with, as well as what works best for us in a partnership. Our emotional and physical well-beings are so important, and when our boundaries are crossed or poorly established, we can begin to feel depleted, drained, hurt, & burned out. As we prioritize our boundaries and ensure they are firmly set, we allow our self-esteem to prosper, invite people who are a good match for us into our lives, & let go of those who can’t honor our needs or allow us to embody our best selves. Over the years I have come to learn and value the importance of protecting your own peace, as well as the importance of self-advocation. Below are some helpful ways to protect your peace and keep your boundaries in place.
The Boundary Blueprint
Putting your boundaries in writing can be a helpful strategy when navigating challenging individuals in your life. In a way, it serves as a little cheat sheet for you, simply telling your partner the behaviors and things that you will and will not tolerate instead of having to wade through a sea of confusing emotions when the time comes. Writing out your boundaries will serve as a roadmap for you while setting, introducing, and maintaining your boundaries that help you maintain your own peace.
The Exercise:
Begin this exercise by taking a moment for self-reflection. Consider the relationship you are struggling to navigate and explore the areas where you feel your boundaries have been crossed, dismissed, or need reinforcement. Once those key moments and boundaries are identified, grab a journal and start writing down your boundaries. It is important to be as clear as possible about the things that are important to you, as well as what will and will not be tolerated within your relationship.
As you write, truly consider your own values and what truly matters most to you. Remember, these boundaries are your roadmap, so it is best to tailor them to reflect your own unique needs and desires. Writing is a really powerful tool and can provide you with a clear reference point while you navigate a difficult relationship, so once your list is complete, do your best to commit to yourself and honor these boundaries. This will help set the framework for more harmonious and balanced relationships in your life.
Examples of Practical & Helpful Boundaries To Consider
No More Oversharing
Try not to divulge intimate or personal details of your life to a partner who can’t seem to remember or show genuine interest. If your partner is only capable of surface-level engagement or manages to redirect the conversation each time to talk about themselves, let them stay in that shallow space. While you wish they could be a source of support, remember you hold inner strength and you do not owe a partner who behaves in such a way access to your deepest thoughts.
Energy Management
It is best to align your efforts with the relationship’s importance. This means, if a relationship is a ‘3’ on your priority list, invest an energy level that matches 3rd spot placement. Limiting your availability as far as texting back or calling back immediately is helpful to keep in mind. Often we believe the relationship may warrant this sense of urgency, but that tends to be far from the truth. Check in with your priority list and ensure the energy you place in the relationship matches its true importance in your life.
Calmly Assert Yourself
Communication in relationships is key. When it is necessary, calmly speak your own truth, set a necessary boundary, or take control of a situation or space that may be uncomfortable. Humans lack the ability to be mind readers, and the first step to a more harmonious relationship is rooted in well-articulated and clear communication. While this should be a calm conversation, pay attention to any dismissive, defensive, or poor behavior when you express your own needs and boundaries. This may signal the need for further or deeper boundaries, and maybe even a re-evaluation about whether or not your partner can support you in the ways you need.
Prioritize Emotional Recovery
Oftentimes, difficult or emotional interactions and conversations can leave us feeling emotionally drained, burned out, or sitting with hurtful emotions. If you feel you are still reeling from a previous hurtful or frustrating conversation with your partner, do not feel the need to rush into another one. Keep in mind as well that if there are multiple topics to address, it is alright to address one thing at a time to ensure that you don’t feel overwhelmed. Listen to your own mind and nervous system and share what feels comfortable and emotionally manageable for you.
Speak Your “No” Freely
As simple as it may sound, a firm “no” is one of the best boundaries we can have. Do not feel obligated to say yes to everything your partner may suggest or want to participate in, as well as do not feel the need to agree with their thoughts if they do not reflect your own. On that same note, do not feel obligated to even explain your “no”, as a respectful partner should honor your needs and stance and not try to pressure you or force you into something that doesn’t align with your own ideals and needs.
Redirect Blame
In tense conversations or arguments, blame is easily thrown around. If your partner attempts to place the blame on you, or manipulate the situation to be able to place blame on you, do not accept their efforts. It is important to own your mistakes when you are at fault, but it is important to not let your partner manipulate into being a scapegoat in the relationship. Instead of starting another argument or trying to convince your partner to change their mind, redirect the conversation back to your original point or stance with your evidence to support it.
Distance Yourself
Choosing to remove yourself from a situation or conversation that makes you uncomfortable is a wonderful way to protect your peace and one of the most helpful boundaries. It is is okay to remove yourself from situations or interactions that infiltrate your peace and create feelings of discomfort. In these moments, it’s important to listen to your mind, body, and own needs to best emotionally support yourself and maintain your internal peace.
Express Discomfort
As I mentioned in another boundary above, communication in relationships is so important. There will be many times where the best way to navigate challenges is through communicating your discomfort to your partner. All the emotions and feelings that you notice in your body are always valid, and a supportive and healthy partner should honor your needs or concerns and respect them. While communicating your needs, keep in mind using “I” statements and feeling statements, rather than communicating to them in a way that can be perceived as an accusation or threat. This helps to show respect for both your partner and the healthy relationship you are hoping to cultivate.
Protect Your Alone Time & Privacy
It is crucial to safeguard your personal space, and this means both physically and emotionally. While romantic relationships foster and grow from closeness and intimacy, you and your partner are still your own individual people. It is okay to protect your alone time and value your privacy. A partner with respect for your own autonomy will honor these needs, rather than take offense or feel entitled to the parts of you that you wish to keep to yourself or remain private.
Time Management
Time is such a valuable concept in life, and it is one of the few things in life that once it passes, we will never get it back. It is important to not let your partner dictate how you spend your time. While it is important for the relationship for you and your partner to spend time together, do the same activities, and immerse yourself in each others lives, stay true to your own plans. Being flexible with your partner to accommodate both your schedules is always a great thing to do, but it should never be at the expense of your own plans, desires, or interests.
Send A Clear Message
Setting boundaries is such an important aspect to protecting your own internal peace, but it is also about clearly communicating your own values and expectations to others. When your boundaries become loose or are not defined enough, you indirectly teach others how to treat you, as every interaction we have becomes a lesson.
For instance, if we remain quiet in times where our partner is demeaning us, criticizing us, crossing an important boundary, or treating us in a poor manner, we are sending the message that we endorse or accept such unacceptable behavior. Keep in mind that boundaries aren’t solely for our own benefit and maintaining our own peace, but they also shape the behavior and expectations of those around us. When we set clear and firm boundaries, we can convey our needs and values, fostering healthier and more harmonious relationships.
As you begin cultivating and setting your own boundaries on your journey to maintaining your own peace, remember that boundaries are about self-preservation, not exclusion. As you write your boundaries down and set clear intentions, you may notice that navigating and dealing with a difficult partner becomes less stressful over time and a bit more manageable. Taking the time to create and put in place boundaries that align with your own needs and prioritizes your peace will help you take control of your challenging relationships, as well as your own life.
