Ways to Heal from Emotional Abuse
Relationships are supposed to feel safe. They are supposed to enhance our lives. We are supposed to feel loved. We aren’t supposed to be subjected to manipulation, gaslighting, degradation, control, neglect, inconsistency, and cruel exchanges, left to pick up the pieces of us that have been broken. Emotional abuse isn’t visible to the outside world, its hidden bruises and bleeding aren’t noticeable by the naked eye. We carry it in secrecy, while it’s happening and in its aftermath. Healing from an emotionally abusive relationship can feel like the rockiest of terrain. Truthfully, it is one that I have yet to navigate successfully myself. But the thing with emotional abuse is, it’s as physical (if not more) as it is emotional. To better understand the ways we can help ourselves heal from an abusive relationship, it’s best to understand what happens in our body on a physiological level after enduring extended periods of abuse.
What Happens In Our Brain During & Following Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is built on dopamine, an important neurotransmitter in our brain. It is one of the most frequent neurotransmitters that our nervous system uses to send messages between nerve cells, making it a very important chemical messenger. When we think back to the beginning of the abusive relationship when the facade of our partner was holding strong, it isn’t about developing a crush or wondering if we could fall in love. Rather, it is about our brain becoming addicted to dopamine.
Experiencing excessive periods of high dopamine release leads to a false sense of understanding, of safety. We feel safe with our abusive partner to share our secrets, our past traumas; we begin to see this person as someone we can trust, and eventually as someone we can love. But, when the drip of the dopamine comes to a halt, the cortisol in our body increases, creating what feels like an addiction to the brain and body. It is inevitable for a co-dependency to form, for self-blame to creep in, and for our identity to feel lost in the chaos of the impeding abuse.
Cortisol is a powerhouse in our bodies. When our cortisol levels are elevated in a chronic way, it creates an inflammatory response in our body, disrupting the normal function our hypothalamic-pituitary pathway in our brain, which controls a plethora of hormones in our body. Cortisol and adrenaline counteract each other in our body, translating into the impossibility of feeling courageous. Rather, elevated cortisol levels suppress our strength. We can feel this in our shoulders or neck, experiencing tightness or stiffness. Or maybe our liver or gallbladder have taken a hit, as many believe our gallbladder to be our organ of strength.
Chronically elevated levels of cortisol translates into experiencing a chronic state of fight or flight without expression, inviting sickness into our bodies. Our gut microbiome can weaken when our liver is overburdened from the anger and resentment we have stored, and in turn cannot convert cortisol.
All this to say, while it is normal to feel shame and self-blame, it has no room in this healing journey. The abuse brought us deep into an addiction cycle, called a trauma bond. So while we feel it is our discarded love and broken heart leaving us reeling, we are rather suffering as addicts in a painful withdrawal.
How Does Emotional Abuse Affect Our Nervous System?
Our brain and our nervous system are closely connected. When our brain is in an addicted cycle, our nervous system remains in a state of dysregulation. This is because our nervous system responds to sensory input, both internal and external, including sound, taste, smell, feel, and vision. Our nervous system then interprets these inputs, sending an output that reflects that we either do feel safe or do not feel safe. These outputs manifest in our body, appearing as headaches, fatigue, muscle tension, and even panic attacks or collapse.
An emotionally abusive relationship is an extremely nervous system dysregulating kind of relationship because nothing about the dynamics of such a relationship are safe. We often feel the rug is pulled out from under us many times, each time being blamed for what had happened and accused of overreacting. We are left walking on eggshells of fear and shame, craving the highs of dopamine that are disguised as love. When this cycle becomes normal to us, our nervous system begins to anticipate patterns that are all rooted in lack of safety.
An abusive partner cannot and will not provide emotional safety for us, but they will display moments of connection with us. They may even take ownership over their hurtful actions, manipulating us into believing that they do care about us and can change, leaving us thinking maybe we are safe after all. But, these moments of respite trick our brain, which is looped in an addictive cycle. We crave the loyalty and love we have seen glimpses of in moments far and few between, believing, distortedly, that we are in a healthy relationship.
However, our brain will always remain focused on our safety, feeling most comfort in what it knows. In this case, that is an inconsistent and emotionally abusive cycle. We may feel a period of relief when our abusive partner is treating us with kindness, mimicking the love we feel for them, and showering us with adoration. Yet, that tension we are all too familiar with is waiting for us in the wings when our partner returns to their baseline abusive state. This creates a recipe for our nervous system to be rooted in fear, lack, and scarcity, leading it to believe love and fear can exist in the same place.
A relationship needs to be consistent in order for our nervous system to it associate with safety. An emotionally abusive partner does not hold the mechanisms needed to regulate themselves, lacking the interpersonal and empathetic mechanisms required to co-regulate with us. As a result, the relationship will always inherently feel unstable and unsafe because we will find ourselves repeatedly waiting around for our partner to become regulated enough to have small, few and far between moments of connection and affection. Rather, an abusive partner regulates themselves by subjugating others, getting their supply of validation, attention, and power by controlling us and others.
It is important to know that our nervous system may be dysregulated, but it is not because we are weak or overly senstive. Our bodies are always giving us information about our environment and other people, and we are trying to stay afloat and survive. We should not doubt ourselves, questioning if we are “too much”, when we are simply responding appropriately to a chronically unstable and unsafe relationship. We are living in a body that has had to brace for impact, again and again. We must exercise self compassion because while we think we have fallen in love, we have fallen in love with a facade, a distorted reality. In reality, we aren’t experiencing true reciprocated love, but rather this painful trauma bond.
How Do We Heal From An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Our nervous system doesn’t heal just because time has passed or we believe we feel distance from our abusive partner. It heals when something safe and loving happens consistently enough times for our brain and nervous system to finally believe the inconsistency and unstable emotional environment is done with. Trauma bonds have the ability to run deeper and stronger than healthy love can sometimes, and that is no reflection of our own faults. If anything, it emphasizes our strength in being able to love and feel so deeply, despite our brain’s struggle to separate good moments from bad patterns. To hold the capacity to give and receive love is a beautiful and powerful thing, and certainly no weakness of ours. Doing our best to hold space for self-compassion through our own healing journey is another important practice, as healing is never linear. Healing is effort and it is time, but with each small step we do heal. To have patience, compassion, and grace for ourselves is key. Below I have curated five of my favorite small steps towards healing from emotional abuse that help make each day a little bit easier.
Acknowledge Your Own Experiences & Use Labels
This is the first step towards healing, and the most difficult. It can be hard to admit to ourselves and especially others that we experienced emotional abuse. We often believe it “will never happen to us”, but it can truthfully happen to anyone. And even more so, it pains us to admit that someone we so deeply love is responsible for shrinking us until we are too small to recognize ourselves. Yet, we can only begin our healing journey when we can admit to ourselves we have experienced abuse. That it was real and that it was wrong. It may be helpful to label the abuse. This could look like confiding in a friend that you were manipulated or controlled, rather than explaining it through an array of excuses that protects your abusive partner’s image.
Allow Yourself Time To Mourn
Healing from an emotionally abusive relationship is not like a typical breakup. The trauma bond we experience leaves us chemically missing our partner and reeling from the abuse we are beginning to process, while mourning the life that we believed we’d live with our partner. Sometimes it isn’t about wishing we and our partner were still together, but rather wanting to feel as if what we shared meant something. When the person we love most begins to treat us as a stranger, it is grief for a shared past that only we seem to remember. Seeking closure isn’t always a conversation. Sometimes we crave it in simply knowing that the love we felt was real, that the far and few between good moments with our partner meant something. Even silence with hints of softness seem like they would bring us peace, because what hurts us more when we end an emotionally abusive relationship isn’t the ending itself, but when our abusive partner acts as if none of it mattered, or was real love. While our heart is reeling in the breakup, the aftermath of true silence cuts us even deeper because it feels as though our love was forgotten in the chaos of their incapacity to love. All of these feelings are normal, and it is important for us to allow ourselves time to feel. In doing so, our emotions can flow freely until they are released and no longer belong to us. Be patient with yourself and have self-compassion while you cycle the waves of grief and healing.
Practice Positive Self-Talk
This step is one of the most important. Our brain will always look for evidence for the things we tell it, so it is so important to say kind things to ourselves. Often, emotional abuse plummets our self-esteem in the ground and leaves our sense of self in shambles. Talking to ourselves in a positive nature is a small step towards building our self-esteem back up and embodying our once confident self again. It may be helpful to repeat positive affirmations to yourself, such as “I am worthy of love”, “The version of me that loved them doesn’t exist anymore I am returning to myself now”, and “Their behavior wasn’t my fault”.
Prioritize Your Own Well-Being & Boundaries
Emotional abuse takes quite a toll on our emotional and physical well-beings. Participating in our favorite self-care routines can help bring us back to ourselves and regain control of our own sense of self. Whether it’s going for a walk, cooking your favorite meal, taking a yoga class with a friend, or feeling the sunlight on your skin, do the things for yourself you have neglected that bring you joy and peace. It may also be helpful to start building and establishing boundaries that an abusive partner may have shattered. Boundaries are so important in protecting our own peace, heart, and well-being. While it is important to let loved ones and trusted individuals in, we hold the right to be selective with our own story. When we choose who knows our story, it isn’t us keeping secret. Rather, it is us keeping a boundary. There is a lot of secondary trauma that happens when our story is heard by the wrong crowd. In moments where we struggle to uphold our boundaries following such abuse, try to tap into the idea that it is always better to adjust our lives to the absence of our abusive partner than to adjust our boundaries to their disrespect.
Familiarize Yourself With What A Healthy Relationship Looks & Feels Like
This step takes a lot of time, and is one I have yet to master myself. An emotionally abusive relationship can leave us with a distorted sense of reality, questioning if we were even loved or cared for at all, wondering if any part of the relationship was true. It is important to remember that an abusive relationship is not only incredibly unacceptable, but it is not normal. We have learned what abuse looks and feels like, and in a way that has become a superpower for us because we will now forever be able to identify it and run from it. But, it is equally important for us to learn what healthy behaviors look like in a healthy relationship, and unlearn the inconsistent expected patterns and trauma responses of an abusive relationship. While this will come with time, when we can learn to trust and feel real love again, it may helpful to spend time with friends or a counselor learning and listening to what a healthy relationship should embody.
Mantras To Help Our Mind & Heart Heal
Below are some of my favorite mantras to help guide you on your healing journey…
“I am safe right now.”
This mantra helps to calm our amygdala and activate our parasympathetic nervous system, helping signal our vagal tone and down regulate stress circuits.
“I can change my brain.”
This mantra helps to reinforce neuroplasticity and boost motivation via our dopaminergic pathways, as adult brains continue to have the capacity for change through intentional activity and belief.
“I am enough.”
This mantra increases self-compassion and reduces negative default mode network activity, allowing for lowered emotional reactivity and an improvement in emotional regulation through the lens of self-kindness.
“Mistakes are how I grow.”
This mantra fuels our growth mindset, strengthening neural learning circuits. Mistake-friendly thinking helps engage the anterior cingulate cortex, which is key in adaptive learning.
“My thoughts are not facts.”
This mantra supports cognitive reappraisal and metacognition in our brains for better emotional regulation, as shifting our thoughts help reduce amygdala over activation, in turn building prefrontal control.
“My presence matters.”
This mantra stimulates oxytocin and reward circuited tied to social bonding or purpose, as feeling connected to our surroundings reduces social threat perception and improves our brain-body regulation.
“Today is a new opportunity.”
This mantra activates hope in our brain, as well as goal-motivation circuits via the medial prefrontal cortex because future-oriented thinking improves emotional resilience and dopaminergic activation.
Keep in mind that it is okay and normal to miss your partner, it means you are human. Missing your partner doesn’t signify that you are letting go of something that is meant for you, but rather that the relationship, your partner, and the love you felt mattered to you. Healing from emotional abuse is some of the toughest terrain to navigate, and I wouldn’t be truthful if I told you I was not still on my healing journey. But, we all hold the strength to heal. With grace, self-compassion, and patience for ourselves, we can become the whole pieces of ourselves we once were.
How beautiful is it that despite an experience that could have turned our hearts and souls hard, we hold the strength to still love and be loved and give that love out in spades. :)
