Navigating Limerence in Modern Relationships
Within the realm of both therapy and my social circle, I have seen the presence of limerence more so than those in past generations. I often hear, both within my professional and social realms: “Have effort and consistency really become a thing of the past?” It is a question that hurts my heart to hear, because while it has us confused if this new trend in modern dating is a result of our emotional instability, it is important to note that it is rather because we live in a societal environment that actively conditions our nervous system toward such a phenomenon.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is an intense state of emotional fixation on another person, usually characterized by longing, idealization, and a strong desire or need for reciprocation. If we were to look at limerence from a psychological and therapeutic perspective, it is less about love and more so about how our nervous system responds to uncertainty within intermittent reinforcement. Unlike love, which develops through safety, consistency, and mutual emotional availability, limerence thrives on unpredictability and our fantasies. Whereas love holds a secure attachment, the attachment we experience with limerence is rooted in the idea of a prospective partner and their potential, rather than who they consistently show themselves to be. As a result, limerence can feel all-consuming, anxiety-provoking, and difficult to disengage from, even if the relationship is unfulfilling.
Why is Limerence Common in Modern Dating?
What I have come to observe is the presence of chronic ambiguity in modern dating… dating apps, situationships, and undefined options that keep people in a state of “maybe.” When we feel uncertain about the ground we stand on, our nervous system interprets such uncertainty as something to be resolved, only resulting in a heightened focus on the person or relationship dynamic, more intense longing, and a more potent emotional attachment. While limerence thrives in unclear dynamics, it hardly survives in clarity. This translates these undefined and uncertain experiences in dating to a more obsessive focus in our mind than connections that are more secure and stable in nature.
Along similar lines is the uptick in intermittent reinforcement. With sporadic text messages, inconsistent availability, and hot-and-cold behavior, our brain’s reward system becomes activated in the same way it would if we were gambling or playing to win the lottery. It creates feelings of intensity that emulate chemistry, while it really is just a stress response in our body. When we have a connection that is inconsistent, it keeps our attachment system on high alert, and that kind of hypervigilance is often interpreted as a ‘passionate’ connection, leaving us craving more.
Yet, that craving is intertwined with a sense of precariousness, because while we navigate the ambiguity and intermittent reinforcement within the realm of dating, we are doing so in an environment with endless choice and disposability. With so many options at people’s feet, it is common to feel unsteady in a connection. When we feel easily replaceable, our nervous system and mind work harder to secure connection. As a result, we can experience over-investment, fantasy bonding, and attaching meaning to such minimal effort. Ultimately, limerence begins to form when self-worth becomes tied to feeling and being chosen by someone else.
The problem lies rooted in a widespread avoidance of emotional intimacy… many of us desire connection, but we fear the vulnerability, commitment, or loss of autonomy required to form such an idealized connection. Whereas love can expose the deepest parts of us, limerence allows for closeness without full exposure, offering emotional intensity without relational responsibility. What comes of that is surface-level intensity without any sustainable depth and intentionality.
We live in a digital age that further fuels the presence of limerence, enabling constant mental access without any real presence. We can stay psychologically connected to a potential partner, thinking about them, checking their social media, and rereading their old messages, without true intimacy ever really developing. Our fantasy of our potential partner or potential relationship is kept alive, without the offer of any real effort or physical presence. Furthermore, many of us enter the world of modern dating with unhealed attachment wounds. When we pair technological enablement with a limited model of what secure relationships look like, limerence becomes a familiar pattern because it mirrors early experiences of longing, inconsistency, or emotional unpredictability. It is more common for us to chase uncertainty when it mirrors experiences from our past and becomes all we have ever known.
To view limerence through a clinical lens, limerence is not personal failure. Rather, it is a predictable response to systems that reward ambiguity over clarity, and intensity over emotional safety. Limerence begins to fade when we choose environments and people that allow our nervous system to settle, rather than stay in an activated state.
Limerence Within the Realm of ‘Situationships’
Most ‘situationships’ are not rooted in love, but rather in limerence, attachment wounds, and nervous system dysregulation. A ‘situationship’ is defined by ambiguity… no clear commitment, inconsistent contact, unclear expectations, and emotional access without relational responsibility. While this kind of relationship dynamic can feel emotionally intense, intensity is not the same as intimacy, nor does it always mean compatibility. Sometimes it signals unmet needs instead. Through a clinical lens, this kind of dynamic consistently mirrors the psychological conditions that sustain limerence.
When attention is unpredictable, warm one moment and distant the next, and our brain releases dopamine in a similar pattern to addiction, our nervous system becomes hyper-focused on our potential partner as a source of relief and validation. As a result, we outsource our emotional regulation, which is why situationships can often feel all-consuming, obsessive, or difficult to walk away from even if they are unsatisfying. However, love requires consistency, emotional safety, and mutual clarity. It grows and flourishes in environments where needs can be met without fear of abandonment, and where behavior aligns with words over time. Situationships rarely provide these kinds of conditions, and rather ask one or both individuals to tolerate anxiety, suppress their needs, and stay emotionally unavailable without any assurance of reciprocity.
Another important clinical marker of limerence is the idea of idealization. In a situationship dynamic, individuals often bond to potential rather than to reality. Because there is no clear structure of commitment presented, our mind tends to fill in the gaps with fantasy… who this person could be if they healed, if they chose differently, or if they became ready all of a sudden. This kind of imagined future can feel more powerful than the present reality, which makes it difficult for us to disengage even when the dynamic consistently falls short.
Situationships also tend to activate early attachment patterns. For those of us with anxious or avoidant tendencies, the push & pull dynamic can feel familiar, and even compelling for some. The strong desire within our human nature to finally be ‘chosen’, to earn consistency, or to “get it right this time”, can often keep us invested far longer than the connection itself warrants. It is important to note that this is by no means weakness, but rather conditioning. Love does not require us to abandon ourselves. It does not ask us to stay small, remain silent, or endlessly patient, nor does it tell us to not have needs or ‘be easy to keep.’ Rather, love supports self-trust, regulation, and mutual growth. In the therapeutic realm, I find one of the most telling questions to ask is, “Do I feel more secure over time in this connection, or more confused?” Love brings us increasing clarity, while limerence leaves us in a sustained longing.
How Can Limerence Turn Into Love?
Limerence and love are often confused with one another because they both can feel very intense. However, through a clinical lens, they arise from very different processes. To draw from one of the most common questions I hear in a therapeutic setting, asking “Does limerence ever become love?”, it is better to reframe it and wonder, “What has to change for love to become possible?”
In most cases, limerence does not naturally evolve into love on its own. If the uncertainty, emotional unavailability, or ambiguity that we have been experiencing remains, the attachment stays rooted in nervous system activation rather than genuine intimacy. We may feel the intensity increase, while the depth does not. However, limerence can transition into love under very specific conditions, and these conditions are relational rather than romantic:
Uncertainty Must Be Replaced with Consistency
Love requires predictable access, emotional availability, and follow-through. When our nervous system no longer has to scan for reassurance, obsession softens and clarity begins to emerge. Without consistency, limerence remains activated.
Fantasy Must Give Way to Reality
We must see our potential partner as the person they actually are, not who we hope they’ll become. In a therapeutic setting, this shift can often feel disorienting because the fantasy we created provided us with emotional regulation. However, love begins to grow when both individuals are fully seen and are still chosen by each other.
Mutual Vulnerability & Reciprocity Must Develop
Limerence is often one-sided or disproportionate. Love requires an equal emotional investment from both partners, a shared effort, and the ability to repair conflict. If one individual is carrying the emotional weight, the relationship dynamic remains attachment-driven rather than relational.
Self-Abandonment Must Come to an End
Limerence thrives when we minimize our own needs to preserve the connection. Love requires self-expression, boundaries, and the freedom to be authentic without fear of losing the other individual or the connection. If speaking our truth threatens the bond we have, then it is not love yet.
The Nervous System Must Shift from ‘Activation’ to ‘Safety’
Love feels grounding rather than all-consuming. When a connection allows us to be present, regulated, and emotionally steady, the attachment transitions from one rooted in an anxious pursuit to one rooted in security.
Understanding the distinction between limerence and genuine love is rooted in empowerment rather than in shame or self-criticism. When we can recognize which relationships are driven by limerence rather than love, we can stop personalizing and internalizing the lack of commitment. Rather, we can start choosing relationship dynamics that support our emotional health. While it may take time for our nervous system to become unconditioned to patterns of limerence, allowing clarity to feel uncomfortable at first, we can open the doorway to relationships that are stable, reciprocal, and real.
