The Quiet Ache of Protecting Our Peace
It’s been a little while since I have written last… I’ve taken the time to step away and become in touch with the new changes in my life, to find my roots, and to stay grounded in the things I thought I had lost. And since then, the leaves have turned and fallen, and the cold weather has swept through, welcoming Thanksgiving and the season that promotes connection more so than any other. But, as we carry our paths of self-fulfillment we spent the last year building and prioritizing, I am afraid that we lost the entirety of that story.
As a budding therapist who has seen all kinds of self-abandonment, I will always encourage others to prioritize themselves, as it is important to think about ourselves and how our own choices can impact us first. Protecting our peace, time, and energy is one of the most beneficial ways that we can ensure our established boundaries stay in place. But, when did we lose sight of the idea that we can’t only think about ourselves?
Research has shown in recent years that individualistic cultures, like the one we see on the rise now, experience higher rates of loneliness. The true value of friendships are declining, social trust has eroded and become a rarity, and community participation has seen an all time low in involvement. I think back to the time of hunters and gatherers, and communally accessible places would prioritize and foster a social appreciation for others, not just their hunt. But in today’s day, it appears we have lost sight of gathering while we are always on the hunt. Nowadays, it comes at a price of thousands of dollars in social club memberships, or an overpriced coffee or matcha to sit in commune with people at the coffee shop.
Perhaps in earlier eras we may have been invested in the community to a fault, maybe unintentionally neglecting individual needs as a result. But, in recent years, the cultural pendulum has swung drastically in the opposite direction, prioritizing independence, personal boundaries, and self-care. These are wonderful priorities to have for our mental health and overall well-being, but it has unintentionally established the detrimental growing belief that we owe nothing to anyone. And while this mindset is rooted in self-preservation and self-protection, it leads to the absence of reciprocity, altruism, and mutuality, all of which are crucial aspects of all relationships. There is this prevailing myth that self-preservation and being involved in community are mutually exclusive, that only one can exist at once. But, as we increasingly focus on protecting our individual needs, we risk eroding the very fabric that holds relationships and communities together.
What I hold hope others can begin to rediscover is the idea that we do owe others something. And not in a transactional sense, but rather in the sense of shared humanity and the relationships that we choose to nurture. If we were to really think about it, showing up for others is centered around care, connection, and trust. It is about embracing the occasional inconvenience that meaningful relationships need. When we show up for others, even at a time it may not be convenient for us, we build trust and strengthen the bond of that relationship. Showing up for others does not mean we neglect our boundaries; honoring our boundaries at the same time can ensure that the care we do give to others is genuine and sustainable for everyone.
We do owe others our presence, our care, our kindness, and our effort. But, we also owe ourselves the self-awareness to balance showing up for others and showing up for ourselves. If we can prioritize this balance between effort and self-preservation, rather than just ourselves, we can create deeper, more fulfilling connections and relationships. In turn, we create a ripple effect where when we show up for others, we are inviting them to do the same for us. A shift in mindset can shift our individualistic thought of “What do I receive out of this?” to “How can I contribute to and foster this connection?” Below are a few other helpful reminders to foster a more communal mindset:
Setting a boundary is not the same as cutting someone off abruptly or “ghosting” them".
It is better to owe them a conversation.
Self-care is not the same thing as avoiding accountability.
It is better to owe them an apology.
Protecting our peace is not the same thing as shutting people out of our lives.
It is better to owe them communication.
Sharing our truth is not the same thing as weaponizing honesty.
It is better to owe them compassion.
Removing toxic people from our lives is not the same thing as avoiding any kind of conflict.
It is better to owe them clarity.
Prioritizing ourselves is not the same thing as neglecting others.
It is better to owe them consistency.
We don’t have to abandon boundaries, nor is that something we should do. But, we do need to keep in mind the idea of mutuality. Relationships foster in the idea of ‘give and take’ , while community thrives on effort and care. And connection, while it can be inconvenient, it is what makes life worth living. Every relationship comes with a kind of inconvenience. Whether it be staying up late to comfort a friend when we feel tired, helping a friend with a strenuous move, or showing up to a commitment when we rather stay home, these moments are the very threads that weave intimacy and trust. The idea of mutual reciprocity, which is our willingness to show up for others and accept their care in return, creates and fosters trust, intimacy, and a sense of belonging.
Yet, in a culture that glorifies our independence, relationships are seemingly more transactional, where people are hesitant to emotionally and physically give unless they are guaranteed something in return. It can manifest as this pervasive fear of being taken for granted, rooted in the belief that if we “don’t look out for ourselves, no one else will.” While self-preservation and protection are natural for the human mind, too much protection can hinder us from engaging in the very acts of generosity that enrich our lives. The trending reluctance to give freely, whether it be making time, effort, or showing up with an emotional presence, relationships feel more precarious as a result. Supporting others does not mean we need to sacrifice our own well-being or tirelessly overextend ourselves, but rather it is about assessing when the inconvenience is worth it. It is about understanding that sometimes the effort we give is the foundation of the love and connection we receive in return. Below are a couple of ways to show up for others, while preserving your own peace:
Redefine the Idea of “Showing Up”
When we show up for others, it doesn’t always mean we are dropping everything in our own lives. Sometimes it looks like a thoughtful text, a phone call, or a small gesture that translates to the idea “I’m thinking of you.” Sometimes when we can’t be emotionally or physically present, it is okay to let the person know you do care, and will check in later when we are more available to them. Small and meaningful gestures usually travel a lot farther than grand and sporadic ones.
Build Rituals of Connection
Consistency requires balance. Whether it is a weekly check-in, remembering birthdays & milestones, or a monthly coffee date, rituals allow connections to be more routine in nature without feeling overwhelming. In doing so, they ensure we are maintaining relationships while still honoring our own time and energy.
Embrace the Discomfort of Inconvenience
To master emotional maturity, it means accepting that relationships will occasionally ask more of us than feels comfortable at times. The moments where we choose to show up, especially when it may be more inconvenient or uncomfortable for us, are the very moments that deepen bonds. It may be helpful to reflect honestly with yourself and ask, “Am I avoiding this because it is truly beyond my capacity to handle, or because I am resistant to discomfort?” The ability to learn to sit with our discomfort allows us to build more meaningful connections and foster stronger relationships.
Be Clear About Our Capacity
We are not obligated to say ‘yes’ to everything; in fact, saying a simple ‘no’ is one of the best boundaries we can have. But, being honest about our limits is both a gift to us and others. It may be helpful to communicate openly, “I really want to support you, but I am quite overwhelmed this week… Can we plan for a time when I can give you my full attention and support?” Offering alternative moments where we can show up for others shows we care about them, while also ensuring we don’t deplete ourselves.
Refill Our Cup
We cannot show up for others if we are running on empty ourselves. We can best prioritize ourselves by scheduling healthy downtime and planning activities that recharge us, or allow us to regroup and rest. When we feel rested and grounded, we can better approach relationships with intention and patience.
Prioritize What Matters Most
Just because our support and care are requested doesn’t necessarily mean that each request holds equal importance. It may helpful to ask yourself, “Will my absence significantly impact this person?” For instance, skipping a casual hangout with friends if we lack the energy may be fine, but choosing to miss a friend’s milestone event could strain trust and even the relationship. Prioritizing what is asked of us helps us ensure that we are investing our time and energy in what matters most.
In the end, we do owe others something, not because it is transactional, but because that is how we create a life that feels meaningful and connected. We may protect our independence, but without mutual care we lose the deep relationships and communities that make our lives truly fulfilled.
